


Dum Spiro Spero (While I breathe, I hope)

by macmacmac



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Hope, Love, Multi, Truth, admission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 14:23:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15145055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macmacmac/pseuds/macmacmac
Summary: Season 5 - Scenes take place after Marcus asks Abby to choose him or the pills.  These are some conversations that I would l like to see - not only between the different characters, but as a way to mesh their stories together a bit more than what we see on the show.





	1. Abby, Raven, Marcus and Murphy

Abby entered the church with her hair pulled back in a sloppy braid. Last night? Early morning? She wasn’t sure which, as sleep had evaded her this past week, she decided to seek out some answers. After being underground for six years, then locked into the store Clarke called home for a period of weeks, Abby decided she was not only in need of new scenery and fresh air, but she also needed to find and talk to Raven.

She knew by venturing outside, she ran the risk of seeing Marcus. When they last saw each other, he issued her an ultimatum – him or the pills. She was so shell shocked at his statement that she could not respond and then, they were interrupted by Diyoza. Since then, Marcus had not been back and in fairness, Abby had not sought him out. Not because she didn’t want to, because she did, with every fiber of her being. She just couldn’t, no matter how much she ached to hear his voice, be surrounded in his warmth and feel his strength. 

After Marcus left, Abby knew sleep was out of the question – with or without the pills. For the last six years, they only fell asleep wrapped up in each other, sometimes with clothes, sometimes without. The idea of crawling into what was now their bed without him was something she could not do, so, she stayed up and worked. These efforts paid off in that she discovered a way to treat the virus. The spots in Vinson’s chest disintegrated with the make shift electrical gun Raven rigged. In that moment, Abby felt a sliver of hope, of the possibility that Marcus’ life would be spared and that they could find that second chance away from all of the death and destruction. She would ask him to help her go through detox and help her heal from both the emotional and physical pain that settled deep within her soul.

The moment that bit of hope entered her system, was crushed when Diyoza told her as long she kept the cure to herself, she would continue to give her pills. In that moment, she was presented with another choice – allow her patients to die, these people who she has come to know and even like or continue to allow Diyoza to control her. If she chose to follow Diyoza’s orders, Marcus and the others would remain safe, if she refused, detoxed, and treated her patients, what would happen to all of them?

Or what if she just stopped taking the pills? And put the rest on hold? Because in what world did Abigail Griffin ever let someone control her?

After Diyoza and Vinson left, Abby placed the full bottle of pills on her work table and paced. She paced until so overcome with exhaustion, anger, frustration, and pain that she opened the bottle, spilled out the pills and then smashed them until they were nothing but powder. And when that wasn’t enough, she picked up other objects within her reach and tossed them. She continued this until her legs could no longer hold her, eventually collapsing on the floor and cried herself to sleep.  
Hours later, she woke, not only to a horrific headache, but to a mess. Needing something to do, Abby slowly cleaned up she left in the wake of her earlier explosion of emotions. 

Through this process, Abby discovered Lincoln’s journal that fell out of her bag. She remembered he gave it to her after Pike imprisoned him. He even went through and translated some of the words into English for her.

She then spent the rest of the early morning hours reviewing his entries in search of what was the most important treatment of her life.

**

After noting several of the pages in this journal, Abby felt surprisingly refreshed. For the first time in a while, she had a purpose, a plan to start living again. She freshened up a bit before heading out in search of Raven.

She hated herself for how yesterday played out. It was not her intention to lie and hurt Raven in the way she did. She didn’t know how Raven would receive her, if she would be willing to not only see her, but listen to what she had to say. Abby hoped that Raven could provide her some answers. After all, she is the only who understood how it felt to have ALLIE left over in her mind. 

After entering the church and scanning the faces of the people imprisoned there, Abby spotted Raven talking with a young man she did not recognize. Grabbing hold of her bag, desperate to appear calm, Abby walked directly towards the girl whom she loved like a daughter. 

As she moved closer, although she did not turn to see him, she sensed Marcus’ presence, felt his eyes on her. She hoped that he remained wherever he was and would not interrupt her. She needed to focus on the task at hand. If she didn’t, she feared losing the resolve she gathered to get herself to this spot. And if she lost her courage, she could not bear to see the disappointment and pain in his eyes.

“Raven….” Abby exhaled as soon as she was within earshot.

Abby knew she hurt her, but was not prepared for the anguish that lived on her face. Still, she was determined to see this through. “Can I talk to you?”

“We have nothing to talk about.”

“Raven.” Abby moved closer to her, willing her body to cooperate. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I know my words are not enough to take back what I did, but please,” (whispering), “I need your help.”

Raven stared at the woman who was the closest thing to a mother that she had. She noted the pain in her eyes, the sorrow, and something else. Although Abby was desperate to hide it, she was visibly shaking.

“How long?”

Abby stared at her in confusion.

“Since your last pill?”

Wanting to believe her, Raven cautiously agreed. “Okay.”

“Not here.”

Abby turned to see Diyoza walking towards her. Grabbing Raven by the hand, Abby pulled her towards the colonel, meeting her half way. “I want this removed from her neck. She’s not a criminal and not a threat to anyone.”

“Oh really? Well the bird lady flipped us off and threatened to kill all of my friends after she hijacked my ship.”

Not flinching, “Hmm, and you’ve never threatened to cause harm to someone you viewed as an enemy? From what I heard, when it came down to it, Raven didn’t pull the trigger, did she? In fact, she did the opposite and saved the lives of your people. The very thing you’ve asked me to do. You walk around proclaiming you want peace and yet you treat all of these people like criminals.” 

Diyoza stared at her.

“We are all criminals here.”

“We’ve all done and said things we regret, but in the end, we are all people who deserve a second chance.”

Diyoza glanced towards Marcus, where Abby’s eyes never left Diyoza’s. “You sound just like your boyfriend over there.”

Abby pushed away the pain that threatened to overtake her the mention of Marcus and their relationship. He’s more than a boyfriend or significant other. He is her hope, her light, her love, her touchstone.

“Raven is an engineer. I know I haven’t been out much, but she sure as hell could do a lot to shape this place up. She is also someone who can help me repair the shit equipment you asked me to use. She helps me, she helps all of you.”

For a moment, Abby thought her argument fell on deaf ears and she would need to change tactics. She again felt Marcus’ eyes on her, but fought the urge to look for him, to channel the strength he still did not realize he gave her, and maintained eye contact with Diyoza. 

She felt herself begin to shake, as her body continued to call for its poison, only to be calmed by Raven’s hand squeezing her own. It was enough to control her breathing, keep herself steady, and wait. 

Turning to one of her guards, “Remove the collar,” Diyoza ordered before turning back to Abby. “Okay Dr. Griffin, we’ll play it your way. But if this one betrays me or any of us, well, I won’t be responsible for what happens next.” 

“She won’t.” Abby let go of Raven’s hand as the collar was removed from her neck. “Come on Raven, I have a few projects for you to work on.”

“After you doc.”

Raven followed Abby out, briefly glancing at Kane. His eyes never left Abby. And yet, Abby did not make any effort to even look in his direction. Raven figured Marcus knew about her addiction and something caused him to keep his distance. But by the sad and lost look on his face, it was clear that staying away from Abby was not what he wanted.

**  
Marcus watched Abby and Raven exit the church. It took every bit of strength he had to not follow her, to not ask if she was alright. It was clear to him that she had not slept, any more than he had. But there was something else, something different. What made her exit the diner in search of Raven? He knew from the hushed whispers that Raven suffered from a serious shocking and could barely lift her head from her cot. It seemed from their tense conversation Raven and Abby had already seen each other. Would Abby have done that to her?

His Abby wouldn’t have. But Abby confused on pills? It sickened and pained him to even think about it.

Eventually, Marcus sat down, planning to finish his meal. One look at his plate and he lost his appetite. He hadn’t laid eyes on Abby in five days. The last they spoke, he issued her an ultimatum. When Diyoza appeared, he left, giving Abby an out to not answer him right away. So, he left without looking back. If he were honest with himself, he wanted to return to her, to their space that night, but he didn’t. He stayed away to give them time to breathe. And because he loved her. He loved her so much.

At least, that is what he told himself. If he was truthful, he did not follow up with her because there was a part of him that was terrified that she wouldn’t choose him, wouldn’t choose them. That was something he wasn’t ready to hear or accept. How could he? How could he accept a life without the one person who meant everything to him? Without her, without her light, he would fall into the darkness. He knew he would. He was falling now and was helpless to stop it. The other part of him had faith in her, trusted her to find a way to fight for herself, for them. 

Abby’s presence this morning reaffirmed two things – how much he loved and wanted her and how much he missed her. He hated not knowing if she was okay, if she needed anything, if she was sleeping or eating. And he hated thinking that his last comments to her just added more pressure to what she already felt.

“What’s up with you and Abby?”

Marcus turned to see Murphy taking the seat across from him.

“We’re fine.”

“Right. And that’s why she walked in here without a look in your direction where you couldn’t keep your eyes off of her. I mean, I can certainly understand why. She turns the heads of men and women wherever she goes.”

Marcus rubbed his temples, wishing away the ache forming there.

“What do you want Murphy?” Marcus asked as calmly as he could.

Murphy studied the older man in front of him. He noted the sadness in his eyes, the worry, the longing to reach out and touch the person he loved the most. Other than the graying hair and beard, Murphy recognized the look – he saw it every day he and Emori spent apart on the Ark.

“Look, I don’t know what’s up with the two of you, but Abby is a special woman. She, more than most of us, deserves to be happy.”

“She does.”

“Then the next time you see her, don’t just stand there like a lost puppy dog, go to her.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“You love her, don’t you? I mean it’s all over your face.”

Marcus remained silent.

“I’ll take that as a yes. So, whatever it is, talk to her. If you shut her out because you think it is for the best, you may wind up losing her for good.”

Marcus stared at the young man. “Sounds like you’re talking from experience.”

Murphy glanced across the room, seeking the woman in question out. Marcus peeked over his shoulder to following his eye line. He noticed John staring at Emori.

“Have you taken your own advice?” Marcus asked.

Turning back to him, “That ship has sailed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

They sat in silence for a while. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“Why not.”

“When your mother was alive, did you or anyone ever ask her to make a choice?”

“You mean, between alcohol and me?”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t have to. Her choice was clear when showed me nothing but hate after my dad was floated. As if I could control being sick. Abby did everything she could….”  
Marcus stared at Murphy.

“We’re not on the ark anymore son. You can tell me.”

“She kept me in medical longer than she should have. She stayed up with me all night so my dad could rest. She wanted to give more medicine, but couldn’t. After my dad was floated, she tried talking to my mom, but she wouldn’t hear her.” Murphy paused. “Abby is not my mother Kane. Whatever has her fighting off the shakes is not due to her attempts to drown out her sorrows or because she likes the way she feels when using.”

“What makes you say that?”

“While you couldn’t take your eyes off her face, I couldn’t remove mine from her hands. I noticed her shaking and her attempt to hide it. She came in here with a purpose and fought like hell to not show her hand.”

Marcus stared at him uncertain of how to respond.

“Look, correct me if I’m wrong.” 

Marcus nodded.

“While we were in the lab, Abby worked tirelessly to find a way to save us all from Praimfaya. She didn’t eat or sleep for days. She was determined to find a way to help all of us, even if that meant breaking her own moral code. That gutted her.”

“One her greatest strengths is her humanity.”

“I know how much she loves Clarke and Raven.”

“She loves all of you.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“She worried about all of you while we were in the bunker.”

“Okay, maybe she cares for all of us, except Monty. Or at least she wouldn’t if she tried his algae soup.”

Marcus laughed in spite of himself.

“Look, what I’m trying to say is, Abby walked in here with the resolve to follow through on whatever plan she developed. She did so with shaking hands and a determination to not look your way, no matter how much she wanted to. That tells me that Abby’s choice is different than my mother’s.”

Marcus closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that gathered there.

“Your mother was wrong to blame you John.”

“Well, it’s too late now, isn’t it?”

Before Marcus could say anymore, Murphy left the table.  
**

“What are we doing back here?” Raven asked.

“It’s the only place I know we can be alone.” 

“Are you expecting patients?” 

“No.”

“You wanted to talk, so talk.”

“Can we sit?” Abby asked leading Raven to the table. Raven reluctantly followed.

Abby ran her hands through her hair as Raven looked around the room, scanning all of the illustrations.

“Clarke lived here?” 

“Yes while you and the others were on the ring, and Marcus and I were in the bunker.”

“You still trust Kane?”

Abby turned to Raven in shock. “How can you ask me that? Of course I do. I trust him with my life.”

“But he’s firmly on Diyoza’s side, even after he learned she tried to kill me and Murphy on that ship. Not to me mention this collar bullshit.”  
Placing her hands over Raven’s, “Raven, listen to me. Marcus and I want the same thing we’ve wanted since we landed on the ground – to break the cycle and make better choices. 

We want a life where our humanity wins over death and destruction. He’s trying to make Diyoza see that.”

“You sure that’s the way she sees it?”

Abby pulls her hands away, wiping the tears away from her face. 

“If Kane wants to save humanity, why isn’t he here with you?”

“He’s upset with me. And has every right to be, just as you do. He doesn’t want a war Raven. It’s the last thing that he wants. He’s trying to do everything he can to stop it, I just, I don’t think he can.”

Raven leaned forward, studying Abby. 

“What happened in the bunker? You are both so lost, so different.”

Taking a breath, “It was our worst nightmare. I can’t….I can’t talk about that right now. Okay? Right now, I need to talk to you about something else.”

“I’m not helping you get your fix Abby.” Raven stood to leave. Abby stood with her, attempting to block her path.

“That’s not what I’m asking. I haven’t taken a pill in over a day. Now please, sit down.”

After Abby saw Raven sit down, she followed suit, crossing her arms in front of her chest, as if this physical motion would push down her urge to vomit. 

“When you put yourself in the cold bath to re-start your heart, effectively killing the remnants of ALLIE in your mind, did you suffer any after effects? Headaches? Sleeplessness? Overwhelming emotional pain? Like, you felt every person’s loss as if it was your own?”

“No. Is that when you started taking the pills? To kill the pain?”

Abby slowly nodded. “I couldn’t function. The pain incapacitated me. I couldn’t work, sleep, eat, walk. Everything was a chore for me until the pain passed. In the bunker, I, we all needed to be alert. I started taking pain killers every time a headache came on. It’s the only thing that helped me feel useful.”

“And now you can’t stop.”

“I want to. I know what this addiction is doing to me, to the people I love.” Abby again reached out to Raven to squeeze her hand. “I’ve tried stopping multiple times and then something happens, and I fall right back.”

“And now? What makes now different?”

Pushing herself away from the table, Abby walked over to the electric gun Raven fixed. “This worked. Vinson, the man who brought you here, he’s no longer sick.”

“Great, now we have a healthy serial killer around.”

“We’ve all done terrible things Raven.”

“What have you ever done that is so terrible Abby? You are the best of all of us, you always have been.”

“I killed an innocent man in that lab! I went against my oath as a doctor to find a solution to help us!”

“In fairness, you didn’t know he was innocent. Emori lied about that. You sacrificed one person to save all of us. And you did it Abby. The night blood you developed saved Clarke’s life and by extension, ours.”

“You give me too much credit.”

“Listen to me. We were about to take off, but there was a problem with the signal. Clarke volunteered to fix it, knowing she would be left behind. I think she believed she owed it to us after all of the shitty decisions she made when she thought she was leading us. She saved our lives, but really, when you think about it, it was you.”

“Raven…”

“It’s the truth Abby.”

Abby pushed herself away from the table. A wave of nausea rushed up from her empty bowels. She made it to an empty just in time for her to toss up leftover liquids within her system. After she finished, she grabbed a nearby towel, wiping her mouth before turning back to Raven.

“Yesterday I told you that Diyoza threatened me. The truth is, she threatened Marcus. If I do not develop a cure to help the infected miners, she would kill him. I can’t let that happen Raven. We surrendered to Diyoza to not only prevent a war, but to keep Marcus safe.”

“Why would you need to keep Kane safe from Octavia?”

“We were not on the same page with Octavia. And if we weren’t pulled out of that bunker, he wouldn’t be here. And it would have been my fault.”  
Crying harder now, “I couldn’t lose him Raven. I couldn’t, I still can’t. I cannot go through that pain again. I won’t survive it.”

“So you kept taking the pills to function.”

Abby nodded. 

“And I hate myself for it. I hate what I’ve become.”

“But you did it Abby. You found a way to help these people.”

“Yes.”

“So what’s the problem?”

Wiping her eyes and nose, as she stood up and crossed back to Raven at the table. “Diyoza changed the rules. She told me I needed to keep the solution to myself and if I did, she’d continue to supply me.”

“Abby..”

“That’s when I stopped taking them.”

“Does Kane know?”

“No. I haven’t talked to him. Earlier was the first time I’ve seen him in nearly a week.”

“You need to tell him Abby. Look, I saw the way he watched you earlier. He’s so in love with you he can hardly see straight. It’s kind of sweet in a Kane kind of way.”

Abby smiled at the thought of him. “That goes both ways.”

Raven giggled. “I’m sorry, it’s weird to hear you say that after all the time you threatened bodily harm to him when we were on the ark.”

Abby couldn’t help but smile at the memory. “I know. Then, I wanted to be rid of him and now, I cannot fathom life without him.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

“I haven’t figured it out yet.”

“You need to talk to Kane Abby. You shouldn’t go through this by yourself.”

Smiling, “I want to Raven, I do, but I’m afraid of disappointing him again.”

“He’ll be furious if he finds out you risked your life because you were too stubborn to ask for help.”

“Pot meet kettle.”

Before they could say anymore, they both turned to the voice that joined them.

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting?” 

Abby turned to see one of Diyoza’s guards standing by the door. 

“Can I help you?”

“I was asked to take Raven back to the church. Diyoza has some items to discuss with her.”

Abby looked at Raven and nodded. 

Before leaving, Raven quickly crossed to Abby and hugged her as tight as she could. Whispering in her ear, “He loves you Abby. Tell him.”

As Raven let her go, Abby pulled her back, “I love you Raven, please do not ever forget that. You can trust Marcus. Please do not do anything without talking to him.”  
Raven then let her go and looked at her.

“What makes you say that?”

“I know you.”

Raven smiled and exited with the guard.

After a few minutes, Abby picked up her bag, double checking the items she placed there. She then exited the building, heading for the woods and away from everyone else.


	2. Vinson, Marcus and Abby

Marcus left the church in search of Abby. He figured she brought Raven to the diner and hoped he could catch up with her there. As he headed in that direction, he stopped at Vinson sitting on the steps.

“Vinson? Everything okay?”

Standing. “Yes, thanks to Dr. Griffin.”

Marcus stood back. “What do you mean?”

“Will you walk with me?”

Marcus looked beyond Vinson, hoping to catch a glimpse of Abby. “I need to speak with Abby.”

“She isn’t here. Come with me.”

Vinson handed him the trigger. “You can carry this if it makes you feel safer.”

Marcus took it from him. “Lead the way.”

Vinson nodded, placed his hands behind his back and led Marcus towards the woods.

“You said that Abby helped you?” Marcus started.

“Before my demons came out, I taught English Literature at a college. All kinds of students passed through my classroom doors in the 5 years I worked there.”

“Vinson, I’m sorry, but, what does this have to do with anything?”

“One student in particular comes to mind. A high achiever, wouldn’t settle for any grade less than an A. He put so much pressure on himself that he began taking pills to keep him awake at night so he could study and continue his research. His friends, family, professors all tried to step in to help him, but he refused all of it.”

“What happened?”

“He came to see me after receiving his grade on his final exam. I failed him.”

“Why?”

“He cheated. When he came to me, he was outraged that I dared to give the smartest kid in the class an F. After he finished ranting and raving, I placed his exam with a copy of the answers he took from an online web-site side by side. It was only then that he admitted the truth to me.”

“What made him cheat?”

“He panicked. Thought he couldn’t balance all of his studies and score well. So, he took the easier way out.”

“Did he stop taking the pills?”

“You can say that.”

Marcus stopped and stared at Vinson.

“I know about Dr. Griffin’s pill addiction. Colonel Diyoza is using it to keep her under control, to keep her thinking that she will have you killed if she does not develop a cure for us.”

Marcus placed his hands on his hips, taking a breath. “Abby will find a cure Vinson. She’s the best doctor you can ask for.”

Leaning forward, “She did find a cure Kane. I am symptom free.”

Marcus stared at Vinson, uncertain of what he just heard. “She told me she was close, I didn’t realize she solved it.”

“Let’s keep walking.”

Vinson led Marcus into the tree line, away from the village and other listening ears.

“Does Diyoza know?”

“She knows. When she learned of Graveyard returning, she ordered Dr. Griffin to not tell anyone of the cure. If she pretended she was still working on one, the Colonel would continue to give her pills.”

“You know this how?”

“Colonel Diyoza made the mistake of saying it in my presence. And of assuming that I would follow her lead.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I know what I am Kane. I am a monster. I cannot be forgiven for my crimes. I don’t deserve to be. But for the first time since I was sentenced to that mine, someone looked at me as a person and not a serial killer.”

Marcus smiled at the thought of Abby.

“She stopped taking them. I may not be able to make up for my sins, but I can give my life to protect the one person who showed that I matter.”

“How do you know she stopped?”

“I saw the look on Dr. Griffin’s face when she was ordered to allow her other patients to die. In the time she’s treated us, we’ve come to mean more to her than just a bunch of murderers and thieves. She doesn’t judge us by our crimes. Do you know how unusual that is?”

“Abby is a magnificent woman.”  
“After Colonel Diyoza and I left, I returned to the diner to check on her. It was quiet inside, but the floor was a mess. I can only guess that Dr. Griffin lost her temper.”

“She’s been known to do that.”

“I found the pill bottle that the Colonel gave her. It was empty. The pills that were inside were crushed into powder on the floor.”

Closing his eyes, not wanting to hear the answer to the next question, but knowing he had to ask, “And where was Abby?”

“Asleep. I remained on the steps outside until I heard her move around.” Seeing the confused look on his face, “Everyone here is afraid of me. Sure, I have a collar on, but that won’t stop me. Everyone here knows that.”

Kane clenched the trigger in his hands and swallowed hard.

“Where is Abby now?”

Vinson shrugged his head in the direction of the woods. “She disappeared into the woods. I thought if I waited outside the diner, people would think she was inside, and that would give her time to do whatever it is she needed to do out there.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Not realizing he vocalized his thoughts, Marcus jumped at Vinson’s response.

“She doesn’t want to disappoint you.”

Marcus stared at him.

“That’s what my student told me when he admitted to cheating. He didn’t want to disappoint me.”

Marcus was again taken aback.  
“I’m going to go back to the diner now. If you go straight down this path, you should find Dr. Griffin.”

“Did you follow her?”

“I made sure she was safe and then returned here. I told you, I am a nice man as long as my demons do not come out.”

Marcus nodded and began his trek into the woods in search of Abby. Only stopping when Vinson called to him.

“Kane, don’t trust the Colonel. I’m sure part of her wants peace, shares your vision that we can all live in this valley. But the truth is, she is as much of a criminal as the rest of us. She will do whatever she has to do to maintain control, including using Abby in whatever way she feels will forward her own agenda.”

“Thank you Vinson.”

Vinson nodded and headed back towards the village. Marcus watched him disappear before turning into the woods in search of Abby.

**

The warm sun warmed Abby’s cooled, sweaty skin. The air felt good as it cleansed her heart and lungs. The sights and sounds of earth filled her. And although the beauty of this place did not erase the horror of the bunker, she still felt refreshed and free. 

Abby wandered around the forest for a couple of hours, happy to have the time to herself. She discovered some of the plants listed in Lincoln’s book about one mile into the forest. After carefully picking them and bagging them, Abby continued on, eventually discovering a small lake at the bottom of a tree lined slope.

Diyoza provided them with soap and water to clean themselves up, but it was not the same as immersing themselves in cool water. She desperately wanted to strip off her clothes, wade into the water to the point where she could still stand, and soak her aching body and soul. The truth was, she did not have the energy to do much more than let her hair down, thinking it would relieve the tension in her head and remove her socks and boots

So she sat under a cluster of trees, shoes and socks off, staring across the calm water and off to the mountains beyond. So lost in her thoughts, she did not hear anyone approach.

“Your hair has grown so long.”

Startled at the familiar voice that was closer to her then it had been in a week, Abby fought to remain looking forward.

“So has yours,” Abby retorted.

Chuckling at her response. “You love it.”

Abby smiled to herself while whispering, “I do, but I miss the little curl that flops over your forehead.”

Marcus smiled at how many times she ran her fingers through that very curl. 

“May I join you?”

Taking a breath, “If you want.”

Abby felt Marcus’ eyes stare into the back of her, as he took a seat next to her, but further back. She appreciated that he gave her some space, despite the fact that she felt his leg slightly brush against hers.

“How did you find me?

“Vinson.”

“Oh?”

“Apparently he’s appointed himself as your personal body guard.”  
Marcus saw Abby tense her shoulders, pictured the look of confusion that crossed her face at this statement.

“When I saw you earlier in the church, I wanted to follow you out, but you were with Raven and I was treated to advice from Murphy.”

His admission was met with silence.

“He’s quite taken with you too. I’m beginning to feel a bit jealous, all of these men pining after you. Not that I blame them, you are intelligent, genuine, beautiful, and sexy as hell, even after being in the same clothes for 6 years.”

Marcus’ heart broke as he watched Abby’s shoulders begin to shake. Gently he slid down, placing his legs on either side of her before gently wrapping his arms around her. His touch sent Abby jumping.

“Shh……”

And for a moment, she let him comfort her, as she was helpless to fight against the touch she craved more than anything.

Marcus waited for her to settle down. Once she did, he leaned them back, so his back rested against the tree, while Abby remained settled within his arms. After placing a gentle kiss to the side of her head, Marcus spoke.

“Vinson told me he is symptom free, that you found a way to treat the miners.”

Silence. 

“He also told me about Diyoza.”

No response.

Marcus’ comments died on his mouth as he felt Abby trying to break away from him.

“Abby…wait…you don’t need to…”

“Marcus…please…I’m going to be sick.”

Marcus let her go, watching her quickly move to a different spot, dropping to her knees as her body threw up whatever it could gather from the pits of her digestive system. Marcus quietly moved towards her, kneeling next to her. With one hand, he held back her hair while rubbing her back with the other.

After a few moments, she stopped, eventually sitting on the ground.

“Can I get you some water?” he gently asked.

“Yes,” Abby whispered without looking at him.

Marcus stretched to reach his bag, dragging it across the ground towards them. He then unzipped the back pocket, pulling out the thermos.

“Here…” he gently handed the bottle to her.

Abby gently took a few sips of water, grateful for soothing liquid on her dried throat. They moved back to the shade of the trees, this time sitting side by side. Marcus debated what to say next, not wanting to further upset her and push her away. But like so many times before when he was at a loss on what to do, Abby stepped in.

“John gave you advice did he? On what?”

“Relationships.”

Abby turned to him in shock. For the first time in several days, their eyes locked. Marcus immediately spotted all the pain, shame, and fear that lay beneath her warm orbs. Gently he placed a hand on the side of her face, gently caressing her skin, before running his hand through her hair. And again, as much as she felt she didn’t deserve the tenderness of his touch, Abby gave into it.

“Hi…” he whispered.

“Hi…” she weakly said back.

Marcus then wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into the tightest hug they shared since their last day in the bunker.


	3. Marcus and Abby

Marcus gently pulled out of their embrace. Placing a trail of kisses along her neck, up the side of her face, and eventually ending on her forehead. They then leaned their heads against each other, closing their eyes briefly.

“It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay,” he whispered to her.

Abby pulled her head away from his, wrapping her arms tightly around her.

“What is it?” Marcus asked.

“I’m cold.”

“Well, let’s warm you up then.” Marcus again reached for his bag, this time pulling out a thin blanket he packed when he left the diner. He wrapped it around Abby before pulling her back between his legs, only this time she was sideways, with her head resting against his shoulder, legs draped over his thigh. “How’s that?”

Curled up within Marcus’ arms made her feel the safest and calmest she’s felt in days.

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered.

“Let me be the one who decides what I deserve. Okay? Because honestly, if we are going to compare, I know you deserve someone much better than me.”

“Marcus…..”

“I mean it Abby. I don’t know what I did to capture your heart, your trust, after everything I put you and your family through on the Ark and when we first landed on the ground, but I have it and there is no way in hell I’m ever letting it go. Not for as long as you will have me.”

Abby closed her eyes as the tears slowly slid down her face.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

Marcus pulled back a bit, gently taking Abby’s face in his hands. “Abby, look at me.” At first she refused. “Please.”

“I can’t.”

“Dr. Abigail Griffin, in the entire time I’ve known you, you have never ever shied away from looking at me. You are not going to start now.”

Abby eventually looked up, her eyes finding his. She watched his eyes light up as a smile crossed his face, “there’s my girl. Now, please listen to what I am about to say. Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Marcus, you have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who needs to apologize…” Abby stopped as Marcus placed two fingers over her lips to silence her.

“I’m happy to know that in all of this time you are still not listening to me.” He smiled at her.

Abby briefly looked down, smiling too. “I’m sorry, continue.”

“I’m sorry for the way I left things with you, for giving you an ultimatum.” Abby looked up. “It was wrong and unfair of me. I know how much pressure you were under and I only added to it. Please forgive me.”

Abby pulled her shaking hands from under the blanket, gently placing them on both sides of his face. “There is nothing to forgive. You’ve been nothing but caring, supportive and loving with me. And all I’ve done is hurt you. I’m sorry Marcus, I’m so sorry.”

Marcus pulled her to him again as she cried into his shoulders, pushing the blanket away as she felt her previously cool skin turn clammy. After she settled down, Marcus finally asked her the question that had been on his mind since he saw Vinson.

“Why didn’t you tell me you stopped taking the pills? I told you I wanted to help you through detox.”

“How mad are you?”

“I’m not mad Abby, I’m, just, I don’t understand why you felt like you had to do this on your own. Why you would take that risk.” Marcus stopped as Abby stared at him. “Why are you smiling?”

“Raven told me you would be angry. And you are. She’ll love that she was right.”

Sighing… “Abby…”

“I needed to stop for me Marcus. I needed to hit bottom before I could begin to climb back out of the hole I put myself in. I wanted you with me, believe me I did, I still do, but I was afraid that if I didn’t have the strength, that if I caved in like times before, I would only hurt and disappoint you all over again. I couldn’t fathom the idea of seeing that look in your eyes. When I faced you next, I wanted to be a whole me. I wanted to be closer to the woman you fell in love with, shared your dreams with.”

“I guess I kind of ruined that, huh?” Marcus asked, as his own tears drifted down his face.

 

Abby pushed him back, “You did, you big jerk.” She gently kissed them away. “Marcus, now it’s time for you to listen to me. To hear me. Can you do that?”

Marcus nodded.

“I know I pushed you away for the first month we were in the bunker and that you were not with me after Jackson performed the water bath. The pain I had afterwards, the headaches, they were the worst pain I have ever felt. They paralyzed me. I couldn’t afford that in that hell. So I started taking the pain killers and they worked. And no matter how many times both you and Jackson tried to get me to quit, no matter how many times I wanted to on my own, because I did Marcus, I wanted to stop. I saw what they did to me and to those around me. I would stop and the pain came back. When I promised you that I would quit the pills in the bunker, before you left to die in that pit of death, I meant it. I thought that if we surrendered to Diyoza, I could keep you safe from Octavia and her followers. I thought we could figure out a way to do better. Then Diyoza told us why I was needed and threatened to kill you if I didn’t find a way to help, I didn’t know any other way to work if I couldn’t function. As much as I wanted to quit, I couldn’t risk the time detox took if it meant your life.”

“Abby…”

“I told you Marcus, I cannot go through that again. After Jake was floated, I never believed I would find love again. And if I did, I didn’t think I would or could love the person as completely as I love you. I kept taking the pills because it was the only way I thought I could save you.”

“Because you still think your life is worth more than mine.”

“How is it any different then you willing to sacrifice yours for me?”

Running his hand through her hair, “So what made you quit?”

“I told you I hated the things I allowed myself do in Becca’s lab and that I couldn’t live with it.” Marcus nodded. “When Diyoza asked me to lie about the treatment to McCreary and the others, I realized that if I did that, if I crossed that moral and ethical line, I would be nothing. I would never be able to live with myself, allow myself to be loved by you, by Clarke, if I accepted that deal. Diyoza expected me to remain an addict. Well I was done allowing her to control me just as I was done with allowing Octavia to control us. So I stopped.”

“And what about the prisoners? You haven’t treated them.”

“Not yet. I know I need to make a decision, but I need to make it with a clear mind.” (pause) “If I treat them, McCreary and his men will overthrow Diyoza. They don’t like her. The only reason they haven’t is because she got them me. And if I don’t treat them, then I should not be practicing medicine.”

Abby backed away from Marcus a bit to look at him closely. 

“What?”

“You’ve spent a lot of time with Diyoza. What do you think?”

“As much as I hoped that I could convince her that war was not the way out of this, that we could all live together peacefully, what she did to you, what she continues to do to you and to Raven and the others, I don’t think peace is something she can really do. But, if you treat McCreary, you are right, he will put her down and then we have a bigger mess on our hands. As much as I think Diyoza is more level headed, McCreary is not.”

“She’s pregnant.”

“I know. I felt the baby kick.”

Abby pulled even further away from him. “Did she ask you to help raise the baby too?”

Marcus looked at her in shock. “What makes you ask that?”

“For such a smart and observant man, you really are clueless sometimes.”

Abby stared at him until he picked up her point. When he did, he smiled and pulled her closer.

“Well, you are the only one who makes my head turn.”

“Is that right?”

“Yes.”

And with that, Marcus kissed her. What began as a soft, gentle kiss, quickly turned deep and passionate. It was as if they needed to make up for the last five days of missed kisses in that one moment. When they broke apart, Marcus left a trail of kisses across her face, down her neck and across her chest, just skimming above the curve of her breasts.

“I miss you.”

Abby shuttered as her body reacted to the sensations his lips created within her. “I miss you too.”

Marcus found her lips again as his hands roamed down her back, over her ass, squeezing her briefly, before he wrapped one arm completely around her, while the other hand trailed over her heat and back up her front, stopping at the button on her pants.

“Marcus…..”

“What?” He asked after kissing her thoroughly.

“How on earth can you be turned on right now? I mean, look at me, I’m a hot, sweaty, mess. I can barely tolerate being in my own skin.”

Marcus pulled further away from her, again looking her in the eyes. “You will always be beautiful to me.”

Marcus kissed her again.

“Even with puke breath and sweaty skin?”

“Puke breath and sweaty skin represents the moment you found yourself and decided to live again. How can I not want that?”

“To each his own I guess.”

Marcus ran his hands through her hair before moving into kiss her again, only to pull back when Abby pulled away from him.

“If you don’t want to, I can wait Abby. I’ll wait as long as you need to.”

Abby silenced him with a gentle kiss.

“Before you made your presence known to me, I wanted to strip off these rags and wade into the lake. I wanted to feel the crisp, clean water on my skin, the gentle rush of the waves soothe my muscles. But I didn’t have the energy to remove anything more than my socks and shoes.”

Smiling at her, “And now?”

Abby stood up, slowly backing away from him, removing her clothing as she did. “And now, I’d really feel better if you joined me.”

Not needing to ask twice, Marcus sprung to his feet, removing all of his clothing before helping Abby with the rest of hers. At first, they stayed in shallower waters, splashing around, allowing the water to cleanse their tired, cracked skin and sweaty hair. Then, Marcus grabbed her hand, pulling them to deeper waters.

“Marcus! I can’t go out as far as you!” 

Smiling, Marcus pulled her too him, causing her feet to leave the sandy bottom. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her to straddle his waist. Her legs wrapped around him, his erection pressing against her stomach as she did.

“Who says you need to stand?”

Abby wrapped one arm around his shoulders, while she slid her hand down his stomach, grabbing hold of his cock in her fist and began to massage it. She then leaned in and kissed him. As their kiss grew in intensity, Abby gently lifted herself up, placed his cock at her entrance, and then slowly slid down, taking him completely inside of her.

When Abby placed her now free arm around his back, she pressed her bare breasts further into his chest, as she slowly began moving herself up and down. Marcus’ lips left hers in search of the pulse point on her neck while Abby sucked on his earlobe.

He then lowered his lips, kissing along the top of her chest, as his hands cupped her ass. Unbeknownst to Abby, Marcus felt her shiver, her skin cooling from both the water and the continual withdrawal of the pills her body was dependent on. 

“Marcus!” Abby yelled in surprise as he left her out of the water, momentarily breaking their connection. He carried her to the ground, laying her down under the same cluster of trees, covering them with the blanket.

“I love you,” he whispered to her as he once again positioned himself inside of her.

“I love you too.” 

On the ground, Marcus cherished every part of her body with kisses, licks, and silent promises of love and peace. Although weak and tired, Abby fought through it, wanting to give his body an equal amount of attention. With fused mouths and moans that were quieted amongst the shade of the trees and bushes that provided them cover, they brought each other up and over the edge. 

After their breathing slowed, Marcus pulled out of Abby, rolling to his side, pulling her into him, so her head rested on his chest, his arms and legs wrapped securely around her, and the now wet blanket covering them.

“Are you alright?” he asked placing a gentle kiss on her head.

“Yes.”

Exhausted, Abby fell asleep listening to the strong pounding of Marcus’ heart. Although Marcus wished to sleep with her snuggled with her in his arms, he knew he couldn’t. As much as he wanted to stay in this space forever, they had been missing for hours. It was only a matter of time before Diyoza would send their men looking.

As if sensing his thoughts, Abby opened her eyes and then lifted her body so she could look at him. “We should go back.”

Kissing her softly, “I don’t want to sweetheart, but we need to.”

“I know.”

With that they gathered their clothes and dressed, stealing little kisses here and there as they did. Once fully clothed, Marcus folded the blanket, stuffing it in his bag, while Abby was sure that all of her items were safely tucked away in hers.

“Ready?” he asked, holding his hand out for hers.

But Abby was turned around, facing the water again. Marcus slid his arms around her from behind, resting his hands on her stomach. She covered his hands with hers, leaning her head back against his shoulder.

“Promise me we’ll come back here.”

“I promise.”

With one last look, they headed back up the path hand in hand.

“What were you doing out here anyway?” Marcus asked.

“I couldn’t sleep these last few days, so when I was not working, I poured through Lincoln’s journal.”

“What were you looking for?”

“Anything that could help settle my stomach as my body adjusts to not having what it is craving.”

Marcus squeezed her hand in his. “Were you successful?”

“I found what I needed.” Stopping to look at him “It turns out it was easier then following a recipe in a language I do not fully understand.”

Kissing her hand, “And what was that?”

“When we first landed on the earth, I looked at the trees, the mountains, the waterfalls in the distance. It was so green, so breathtaking. We left the Ark not knowing if we had anything to hope for, but when we landed on the ground, it was there, right in front of us.”

Abby stopped, pushed up on her toes and gently kissed Marcus on the cheek. 

“Hope.”

And then they continued to walk through the tree lined path.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback and comments are most appreciated!


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